Some call it tyranny, we call it compassion.
Now that the election is over and my centrally planned economy has a public mandate, it’s time to move Forward™. So far, we’ve amassed a national debt of $16 trillion, but that’s just the beginning. It’s time to put more skin in the game. So in order to appear to address our fiscal issues I will insist that we raise taxes on, well, pretty much the only one’s paying taxes anymore: the wealthiest Americans.
partners opponents on the other side of the aisle will surely cry foul—again—and say that this hurts job creators at a time when we desperately need jobs. What they don’t understand is that we don’t need jobs! What we need is to help those who currently don’t and increasingly won’t have jobs. This is what this last election was all about. What part of centrally planned economy don’t you understand?
I know that raising taxes, heck even to 100%, wouldn’t even put a dent in our ballooning debt. Taxation is not about revenue, it’s about control. If we’re to have a centrally planned economy I and my partners in Congress must have control over job creation. In order to do that, we have to take that control from actual job creators: those making more than $200k per year. You know; wealthy Americans.
If we were to let these American keep their own property and earnings, they’d likely put other Americans back to work. With more American working, it means less dependence on government and less power for me and Congress to regulate the economy. And this would be a disaster for the emerging new economy we’re building. See, every out-of-work American is just that much more leverage our government has against the producers and profiteers in this nation. So there’s no way we’re going to let job producers keep their own earnings. Besides, this last election was an affirmation that my administration is a much better steward of other people’s property. Especially when we’re talking about rich people’s property.
To put a cherry on top of all this, here’s a video of some of the faithful on the night of my reimmaculation. Our future leaders and politbureau staff chanting, “Karl Marx! Karl Marx!” and “Socialism!” as they revel in the dawn of a new day.
Look, I think some of you are not getting it.
We’ve tried to send a message to American companies and to American workers that you WILL be required to work either with unions or within unions…or you’re just not going to be able to do much of anything. Got it?
I thought that when my Department of Labor and Labor Relations Board stopped Boeing from opening their new aircraft manufacturing plant, telling them that they can’t just do business anywhere they like or hire just anybody they want, that the message was loud and clear. We’re not just going to sit by and watch you give good jobs to non-unionized workers, okay? I know I’m not the CEO of Boeing or anything, but I am President…which…means that I get to say who does what and how they get to do it.
Now listen, the fact that this message is not getting through to some of you is why I’ve had the Department of Labor issue a new 160-page notice for proposed rule-making. This is a radical overhaul of the reporting requirements for employers who wish to remain union free and the consultants, lawyers, and firms that provide human resources, employee and labor relations services. The fact is that if you’re going to question my authority or try and remain union-free or anything, we’re going to make sure that you’re so tied up in bureaucratic red tape that you have time for pretty much nothing else but working on government compliance.
Okay, I hope that this time the message gets through your thick skulls. I know that in the past you’ve been able to run your businesses yourselves the way you chose, but things have changed. I’m President…aaand this is the way it gonna be.
I know that some folks think that this debt ceiling crisis is an actual crisis, but actually it’s an opportunity we’ve worked very hard to create. I and the rest of my Democratic friends find that it’s pretty hard to get anything done around here unless there’s a crisis at hand. Which is why Barack spent more than $2.5 trillion in his first 19 months in office…in addition to confiscating 1/6 of the economy in his Obamacare coup.
Ha! I mean, you gotta hand it to the guy. It takes some big friggin balls to spend like a drunken New Jersey debutant, give all the money to union friends, and say you’re trying to save the country, and then feign confidence that we’re on the road to recovery. The man is a beautiful, black genius.
Anyway, this business with Eric Cantor and Jon Kyl walking out of our debt ceiling talks is friggin perfect. They kept droning on and on about how they weren’t going to let us raise the ceiling without corresponding spending cuts, but what they don’t understand is that we’re going to raise the debt ceiling, raise taxes, and what the Republicans are going to do is either bend over or swallow. Seriously, we’ve got the Magic Negro and we’re going all the way on this one. We won; remember?
The Republicans think that our efforts to address the debt ceiling crisis are about reining in crazy-drunken budget policy. We know, though, that it’s about doubling down on the plan to force a government takeover of the economy. I mean, we’ve got a largely private, capitalist economy here and that doesn’t work for us. How are we expected to fix all of this unless we’ve got all the money? Anyway, this is the primary disconnect and the Republicans just don’t get it. But their walkout is just what we needed. We’ll blame them for being unreasonable, forcing us to do “what we’d prefer not to do” and raising taxes on folks.
I mean, we’re gonna raise taxes. We’re Democrats; it’s what we do!
While campaigning, then candidate Obama decried the tenebrious veil thrown over most federal machinations and promised to usher in a new standard for government transparency. Though admittedly there have been hiccups in the institution of that transparency, the case involving Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab surely provides clear insight into our administration’s policy on how aliens and foreign nationals may be granted citizenship.
Today I’m happy to announce that we’ve instituted a special program whereby any non-US citizen who perpetrates or attempts an attack against the United States can automatically be granted U.S. citizenship, with all the rights and privileges thereof. So all you Jihadists out there, listen up! In such a case we will immediately confer Miranda rights upon you, grant you access to legal counsel (free of charge), and offer you the full protection of the U.S. Constitution …just like a real citizen!
What follows, of course, will be your detention and you will be charged with perpetrating terrorist actions against the people of the United States. The upside, of course, is that since our administration has consistently denied the existence of “terrorism,” you are unlikely to be convicted of any terrorist actions. It is more likely that you will be convicted of some lesser charge, held briefly in prison—until you escape or until political pressure from one or more Jihadist States becomes too uncomfortable for President Obama …whereupon you will likely be released to your country of origin. There, you will likely be freed in a very short time so that you can continue your Jihad against the United States. It’s win – win.
We are aware that this policy could prove to be unpopular with the American people, but we have long since stopped worrying about anyone’s opinion but that of the leaders of the Democratic Party. We won. Get over it.
And to all you past and potential terrorists out there, we hope you will remember this special dispensation and at election time we hope you’ll find your way back into our country and vote Democratic. Quid pro quo.
A while back, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and a few other terrorist suspects plead guilty to their crimes and accepted, even asked for, their sentences of execution. Sure, this sounds like a good thing, but we couldn’t let them do that because it caused a problem for the Obama administration.
No, guilty pleas and lawful execution wouldn’t allow us to put the United States of America and the George W. Bush administration on trial. President Obama owes it to his left wing constituents to hold a public spectacle; to tear down the Bush administration and its policies, to expose vital secrets of the intelligence services, and to summarily indict the United States for the crime of protecting its own interests. Therefore we must have a public show trial.
I know, I know, it’s not even necessary. The defendants have all pled guilty and have accepted their fate, but that swift and efficient use of justice in no way serves President Obama’s interests, or those of the extreme left in our country. Justice must never prevent the implementation of leftist ideological mechanisms.
President Obama has from the start made it clear that his purpose is to introduce fundamental change in this country. He knows that the ideals on which our nation was founded are all wrong. He knows that The Constitution will prevent the realization of what he sees as the most important change required for his vision.
Like so many of the Marxist and Socialist leaders before him, President Obama realizes the value of destroying the lives and policies of his immediate predecessors for their support of our founding principles and Constitutional law. We at the Justice Department are happy to assist in this noble and revolutionary effort to usher in a new era of enlightened governance for our nation. Our Dear Leader needs our help and it is a duty we’re happy to fulfill.
Therefore we will bring those terrorist suspects from Guantanamo Bay to New York for a civil trial, where we can fully exploit the value of the ensuing public spectacle and graphically, efficiently, and remorselessly tear down the policies that led to their incitement, capture, and forgivable deeds. We are sure that the media will be only too happy to dig into and publicize all of the horrible secrets and juicy specifics surrounding the pursuit, capture, and torture of these noble warriors.